This is a dress of the emergency broadcast system

If this had been an actual emergency, you would have rather gone naked.  This is an actual dress- not a raincoat, though the fabric should be stain-resistant!  It looks like some futuristic lab coat from another planet.  I think if I wore it or anyone actually, they would like like a big, blobby Skittle, maybe one that has been kind of stepped-on.

Actually,  I don't have a Halloween costume, maybe it's still there? I could go as a fashion disaster! I wonder when does Deseret Industries open?  I have to drop my car off at the shop, I wonder if my co-worker who is giving me a ride would make a quick stop?

They Say It's Only Puppy Love

Do you love your dogs more than you love most people? Are you over the age of 65?  Then this treasure is for you. This dark blue shirt features a matching plaid collar to the Aladdin-like flying and tasseled pillow that the perky pooches are resting on-so you can be totally coordinated.

Not content with just a simple heart (or force field) hovering gently around the puppies, flowers are magically growing out of the what we assume is a female dog's head.  The boy dog seems to have his head on backwards, which is par for the course for most men anyway.

Overall, this is the must-have for any senior dog lover who wants to strut her stuff with her mutt in style. Truly, you get it all with this top- not only plaid patterns mixed with a solid pattern, but  it features dogs, flowers, hearts and tassels!

Burned Hot Dog Dress

Ever felt the urge to be completely modest and pioneer like but want a modern, avant garde and velour twist?  Then, my friends, this dress is for you.  Like a piece of abstract mod art from the '60s, this dress won't show the scandalous bare neck, wrist or ankles, but still is fashion-forward.

Plus, you can look like a burned hot dog, with artistically swirled ribbons of mustard and ketchup. Perfect for any BBQ in the Siberian winter.

Only one left, so act fast to add this to your regular wardrobe rotation!

Sorry Safari

Okay, it's 4:45 a.m., I can't think of anything clever to say about these pants, except they kind of look like they have some type of very abstract safari pattern to them. Though, if you were on a safari and wore these pants, the animals might just eat you to put themselves out of their misery of having to see you cavort around with your camera and floppy hat.

I don't understand the orange and yellow spaghetti-os with confetti or maybe snake pattern, then there is just one (oh I see the second now) patch of brown background and yellow squiggles.  But perhaps most of all, these might be science pants, with the blocks of black amoebas frolicking around on a yellow background.  What color shirt would even look right with these?  Even worse, I can see some woman wearing this with Crocs- hence the safari theme!

The Ultimate Shame: Polyester Pleated Pant Suit!

So the name brand on this polyester!, pleated!, pant suit is Boston Proper. I think it should be Boston Plopper, as in plop it in the trash heap.  Who has a waist like the pantsuit suggets with that built in belt? My upper fat roll and lower fat roll would just look even worse.  I think a smock would be more flattering. With the pleats- who in their right mind wants to add bulk with pleats- you'd only look what 10 pounds heavier?

Olive Garden Sailor

If the concept of pants suits wasn't bad enough, combine the bodice with a sailor look and pleated pants! Who would look good in this atrocious outfit? It looks like you'd be set to outfit the Olive Garden Unlimited Soup, Salad and Breadstick Cruise boat of Yuck. Okay, the only reason I came up with the Olive Garden reference is because of the color. If you wore this seriously in public, you deserve to be lost on a 3-hour tour.

Fan Submission: Somebunny beta carotene this dress to the dump

Thanks the eagle-eyed Kristina Smith who spotted this carrot of a dress at an ARC thrift store in Denver.  Unless you're the Easter Bunny's wife, why would you make a dress out of carrot fabric, with a vest with carrot buttons?  Another question is why would you make carrot fabric or buttons?  This dress is not the way to get your daily allotment of vitamins.